What has happened to me? Writing this while listening to "Without You" by Karan Aujla. Actually, press the "Play" button above, maybe you can be in the same head-space as I was while writing it. Wait a few seconds since the song might be loading.

Ok.

It has been for a while, I feel like I am not the same person anymore. Something is missing, maybe it's the drive, or just the will to go too far for everything. Have the failures won? Have I given up from the inside? I am not really sure at this point, but something feels off. Who am I fooling? This has nothing to do with work. Here is the thing.

There is this girl, I used to think I will never fall for her, but I eventually did. I love her now. Slight discomfort from her side, something us not talking or responding to my texts feels like my world has ended. Such a dumb thing to say, What has happened to me?

We talk, a lot. Late in the night, till 3, 4. Yesterday, for the first time we did not. I waited till 2, thinking or maybe hoping that she will text. Not because I cannot text her first hand, I want to talk to her if she really wants to talk to me. She is an honest girl after-all. I think she knows that I am always willing to talk to her anytime, It is she, who has to find time for me. Turns out, she didn't find it this time. Which is actually not that big of a deal, but it feels to me? What has happened to me?

Many things are happening at the same time, I don't know if this is me who is thinking too much, or the things are actually testing me. I have expressed how I feel, she has too, but I said that I love her, and she has said that she likes me. She has had a tragic past, people lied to her, cheated on her. Usually, I am sensible enough to walk away from situations like these, I know better, this is bad for me, but I cannot walk away from her, I have lost all my senses. What has happened to me?

I talk about marrying her, which is a really big deal for me. If I am saying this to a girl, that means I have already thought about all the scenarios, and I am happy with all of it. I think she doesn't know the depth of it. And obviously, why would she? How can she understand what I feel, she is not me after-all, but I am not this accommodating, I always wanted things on the same page, slight mismatch and I am off. This time, I am not able to. What has happened to me?

I always knew that this was going to be a hard thing to do, for us to accept each other but for it to ever happen, we need to meet in person regularly. But her parents are strict, they ask her all the time why is she leaving the home, she has come out with me on many occasions, but by lying that she is going to meet some of her female friend. And that's why we haven't met in like a week. Last time we met, we went out for a movie, then a cafe and we walked on the street while holding hands. I had decided that I will not be carrying all this, I need to find a person who "does their part of the Job", find time for me, if they can't, I am out. Why this feels impossible to do this time? What has happened to me?

The thing that is bothering me is, should I pretend? I can be thinking about "What she wants to hear", or "What she wants me to do" and do exactly that. I think I can keep her interested that way, but should I do it? Or do I even want to do it? For the first time I think, I am courageous enough to take the risk of her walking away if she doesn't find the real me interesting. I don't want to manipulate this one. And if that is what it takes, I think I am willing to loose it all. I am always ok with walking away, why it feels like loosing everything this time? What has happened to me?

Actually, I am a strong believer "If it has to happen, it will". And have been applying this to every aspect of my life. With that principle, I think if she was interested in me, she would have done everything that she could, to be with me. If she can't than it is not the right person for me. There is so much "Me" all the time. But again, I am not applying this principle to this aspect of my life. For the first time I am thinking, "Her parents are strict", "Every person's up-bringing is not the same, not everyone fights for what they think they want". But there is a big assumption here, Does she want me? Where is the "Me" this time? What has happened to me?

Why am I breaking all the signs, and safety mechanisms that I have had in place? They are there to protect me only after all? Why Am I willing to get hurt after so long? Isn't that what loving someone is all about? Accepting the possibility that they can hurt me and still doing it, because the slight possibility of everything working out outweighs practically everything? But why am I scared this time? What has happened to me?

Maybe I am being too stupid, maybe clingy, maybe I will fuck everything up because of this. Maybe I am asking too much of her, too much from her, and this asking is maybe not justified and will be the end of us. Maybe I am thinking too much, maybe I am ignoring the signs. I never had these many maybe(s) in my life before.

What has happened to me?